Dealing with difficult family members
As a therapist and counselor, I sometimes get asked whether I think someone’s family member may be a narcissist. This label gets tossed around without a clear definition about what it means.
If you think your sister, brother, parent or other family member may be a narcissist, you probably have been hurt by them and had your feelings dismissed. Likely you’re reading this after they have done yet another thing that hurt and confused you and then blamed you for their actions and words.
What do you do next? If you’re working with a counselor or therapist, I recommend consulting them to get help with making your response plan.
Is your difficult family member a narcissist?
First, as a psychotherapist, let me reassure you that you don’t need to know whether your family member has narcissist personality disorder or not. Ultimately, the label does not matter. Truly. Labels sometimes cause more harm than good. How you feel around them matters.
What matters even more is how you choose to respond to them. You can choose to respond in a way that frees you from feeling controlled by their actions and words. I will go into that more later in this post.
For those who are curious, the list of narcissistic traits and behaviors below will help you figure out whether a family member acts like a narcissist. Keep in mind that a clinical diagnosis of personality disorder would require a professional assessment.
Also remember, whether these traits apply to your family member or not, your feelings are telling you that you need to make changes in your relationship. The steps for how to deal with a narcissist in your family below apply to any difficult family relationship, so read on.
Things that narcissists do:
Lying and gaslighting - twisting things around to make you doubt yourself
Conditional love - blaming you for not being good enough for them or only showing affection when you do what they want you to
Being self-centered - everything comes back to them, how it affects them, not considering how situations affect you or not caring
Dismissing your needs, silencing your voice - in the family their needs were so great and they were so good at asserting their position that you often felt silent and unseen
Guilt tripping - putting the blame for the stress in the relationship back on you and making it your responsibility to keep them happy
Needing to always be right - rigid refusal to hear your thoughts or perspectives along with an inability to genuinely apologize because they won’t (or can’t) admit mistakes
They love-bomb you - showering you with affection and insincere apologies when they want to earn your trust back after a rupture in the relationship
Having a sibling or parent with narcissistic traits can leave you feeling angry, hurt, and exhausted. Below are five steps for dealing with a narcissist in your family so you can feel emotionally safe and whole.
5 steps to finding peace when dealing with a narcissistic family member
1. Consider your values
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic family member, things get confusing fast. It can be hard to keep your focus on yourself and your immediate family in all the emotional chaos. Depending on your situation, the family member may make it hard for you to find mental space to think about what matters to you.
The narcissist would prefer to keep the focus on them and what they want. Remember to act from a place of loving yourself and following your values. Also turn the lens onto anyone else who may be affected by the narcissist’s behaviors when they want you to turn it back on their needs. Perhaps you have children or a partner or spouse who are also being hurt by this family member.
Take control of the lens back from the narcissist and focus it on your values and being true to yourself. How do you do that? How do you reflect on who you truly are and how you want to live your values?
Consider writing a letter to yourself about it. Get heartfelt. No one else has to read it.
Not a letter writer? Maybe make lists of your traits and values and sit and think about them.
Still not your thing? Invite a friend over and talk about it with them or talk with your partner about your values. Maybe they would like to talk about their values too!
2. Think about what you’re trying to achieve
Once your values are clear to you, consider how want live within your values while dealing with a narcissistic family member. Think about your goals for the situation and the relationship. What are you trying to achieve? What if you can’t achieve all those things? Which ones outweigh others in light of your values?
As you think about these questions, stay focused on what is best for you and your supportive “family” which may include chosen family and partners. Depending on your goals, you may also want to minimize your stress in the situation.
Consider the firm back, soft belly approach. What does that mean? The firm back represents your values and limits. You hold those strong. The soft belly represents a compassionate approach. You can show compassion and empathy without sacrificing your health and wellbeing.
Compromise is also absolutely an option. Just enter any compromise with open eyes. As Claire Jack, PhD said in her article on dealing with narcissistic siblings, “If you have to deal with narcissistic family members and that involves keeping yourself safe by avoiding confrontation, bear in mind that doing so isn’t weak. If it represents a conscious decision which is going to protect you from toxic people, then realise you’re taking this decision from a point of empowerment. Compromising or avoiding confrontation might not feel great, but it might represent a better course of action than being embroiled in a highly explosive family dynamic."
3. Set limits even if you feel conflicted
If you have a narcissistic family member and you’re a caring person who values family closeness, you probably feel conflicted. Do you put up with their behavior to preserve the family connection? Do you set limits on what behavior you will accept from them knowing that it will upset them and make things worse?
What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation? What outcome would you want for a friend? That is the outcome you deserve, too.
If you’re having a hard time with setting limits, it may help to recruit support. Who in your life will help you develop strength of resolve about setting healthy limits? Consider asking a friend, spouse, partner, or therapist to help you stay clear and committed to your values and goals.
4. Give yourself permission to decide for this moment - not necessarily forever
As you consider how to respond to your narcissistic family member, consider staying in the present and near future. If you’re reading this article, likely you have some conflicted feelings about the relationship. That’s understandable. Give yourself grace by avoiding ultimatums and black and white, all or nothing thinking.
As you consider how to get what you want and need in the relationship, be aware that you can change how you respond later. You don’t have to make a lifelong decision in this moment. Although you may decide that cutting ties altogether is the best choice for you, give yourself permission to set limits for a timeframe that feels comfortable for now.
Of course, the narcissist family member will respond how they respond. They may decide to cut you out of their lives because they choose not to engage at all if they can’t have everything their way. They may have already made that decision and that may be the source of your pain right now. Remember you don’t control them. It is not your fault no matter what they say. They are responsible for their decisions and actions.
If you find the relationship diminished or ending, allow yourself to grieve the loss. Even though it wasn’t healthy for you, the loss is real. Feeling and expressing the grief over time will help you heal and adjust to the new life without that family member being as present in it.
5. Communicate your limits simply, without drama
When it comes time to communicate the limits you have set to the family member with narcissism, keep it simple and low drama if possible. Follow a formula that focuses on your needs, your values, and your decision about how to respond.
I provided a few example communications below.
For when you need a break:
“I have given our relationship a lot of thought, and I have decided that I need time apart from it for now. Please know that I will not be available for communication for the next three months. This is not meant to hurt you. It is about what I need. Please respect my request that you not text, call, email, or otherwise communicate with me. If you do, please know that I will not respond until after this break ends.”
For when you want to set boundaries and stay in communication:
“I have decided not to engage with you on this topic. Let me know when you have something else you want to talk about.”
Caution: Please note that staying in communication with a person who has narcissist traits requires a great deal of work on yourself to be emotionally safe. You will need to know your boundaries and repeatedly communicate them. You will need to have excellent ways to deflect their attacks and de-stress after interacting with them.
For when you want to cut ties:
““I have given our relationship a lot of thought, and I have decided that it is not healthy for me. To take care of myself, I am no longer going to be communicating with you. This is not meant to hurt you. It is about what I need. Please respect my request that you not text, call, email, or otherwise communicate with me. If you do, please know that I will not respond.”
These are only example communications. Say things in a way that feels true to you. Consider whether it is safe to communicate your boundaries in person or if a phone call, email, or text would be better.
As you communicate your limits, avoid blaming them. This may be hard! You may also want to avoid expressing your feelings to them. Remember, if they have narcissism, they are unlikely to validate or care about your feelings, so you’re not gaining anything by sharing them. Also, you may be leaving yourself vulnerable to further attack.
If you do want to communicate your feelings, then make a plan for how to do that. For example, you might say, “I feel confused and hurt right now. I think taking a break from each other would be helpful for me to heal. Our relationship matters to me and I hope you can respect my request for some time and space.”
Ultimately, what to say will differ based on each situation, your values, and what you want to achieve with the communication.
Some final thoughts
Finally, the narcissist will try to convince you that you are being selfish by setting boundaries. It is not selfish to keep yourself emotionally safe. Let me repeat that! It is not selfish to keep yourself emotionally safe.
You deserve to feel inner peace and self love. We all do! And, it is not within our power to give others inner peace and self love. We can only do that for ourselves and then share from that full well of love within us.
I hope that this post on how to deal with a narcissist in your family, or any difficult family member has been helpful. Have questions? Please get in touch through my contact page!
Written with care.
Kaia Fowler, MS, LPC-IT
Founder, Kaia Fowler Arts & Wellbeing